Joke forum v. 2.64 (just jokes)
Username
Do you already have an account?
Forgot your password?
  • Log in or Sign up

    Page 1 of 44 1 2 3 4 5 11 ... LastLast
    Results 1 to 35 of 1539
    1. #1
      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Aug 2005
      Posts
      700

      Joke forum v. 2.64 (just jokes)

      keep your political opinions to yourselves and let's share some humor...


      This panda walks into this restaurant...


      This panda walks into this restaurant, sits down and waits for a waiter. Everyone in the restaurant is scared at first, but as they see the panda does nothing but sit it begins to be funny. Imagine telling your friends you ate dinner with a panda!


      After a few minutes a waiter works up the courage and asks the panda what he wants. The panda asks for a garden salad. The dumbfounded waiter goes and puts in the order and everyone is pretty happy. After awhile the salad arrives and the panda begins to eat. He very correctly eats it, using a fork and napkin. After he finishes he wipes his mouth, pulls out a gun and starts shooting wildly. People are screaming and diving for the floor. After a minute he turns and walks towards the door. The owner is so mad it overrides his fear and he shouts, "Where do you think you're going?" The panda turns around and says, 'I'm a panda. Look it up." He then simply walks out a disappears.


      A few hours later after the owner gets out his dictionary and looks up panda. " A bear-like creature noted for it's black and white coloring native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."



    2. Remove Advertisements

      Advertisements
       

    3. #2
      Member
      Join Date
      Sep 2003
      Posts
      3,521

      Re: Joke forum v. 2.64 (Cementups)

      " A bear-like creature noted for it's black and white coloring native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

      ...and also goes Grrrrrroan!


    4. #3
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: Joke forum v. 2.64 (JRinPR)

      Joe was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing, he suddenly
      realized that his wife, Mary, was about to tee off from the red tees,
      directly in his path. Unable to stop his down swing he nailed the ball,
      hit Mary directly in the right temple, killing her instantly.

      A few days later Joe received a call from the coroner concerning her
      autopsy.

      "Joe, your wife seems to have died from blunt force trauma to the head.
      You said you hit a golf ball and struck her in the temple. Is that
      correct?"
      'Yes sir," Joe replied, "that's correct."
      "Well, Joe, I also found a large bruise on Mary's right hip. Do you know
      anything about that?" "Yes sir," Joe said,
      "That would have been my mulligan."


      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    5. Remove Advertisements
      SwedeSpeed.com
      Advertisements
       

    6. #4
      Member
      Join Date
      Sep 2003
      Posts
      3,521
      A young blonde woman inherited a home that had been built by distant relatives.

      Before she could take possession of the property, however, government surveyors had to decide whether it was located in the United States or Canada.

      When they declared the home was just inside the U.S. border, the young woman was very much relieved. "Boy, I'm glad to hear that," she replied. "I've been told that Canadian winters are quite severe..."


      Modified by JRinPR at 11:04 AM 5-19-2006


    7. #5
      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Aug 2004
      Location
      Temple, Texas, USA
      Posts
      19,952

      Re: Joke forum v. 2.64 (universityvolvoOSD)

      Doctor doing cheerleader physical on Michigan coed noticed the faint imprint of the letter M on her chest.

      "My boyfriend is too bashful to remove his college sweater", she blushed.

      "Oh, he goes to Michigan, too?"

      "No, Wisconsin".

      George Dill



    8. #6
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: Joke forum v. 2.64 (gdill2)

      Little Johnny at it again.....

      A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
      ___________________

      Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, Mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
      "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny, "Giving up?"

      ____________________

      Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
      Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom



      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    9. #7
      Member
      Join Date
      Sep 2003
      Posts
      3,521
      Quote »
      Doctor doing cheerleader physical on Michigan coed noticed the faint imprint of the letter M on her chest.
      "My boyfriend is too bashful to remove his college sweater", she blushed.

      "Oh, he goes to Michigan, too?"

      "No, Wisconsin".

      George Dill


      ROFL!


    10. #8
      Senior Member 2k2S80t6's Avatar
      Join Date
      Dec 2004
      Location
      Center of Democracy
      Posts
      11,515

      NOT POLITICAL!!!!!!!!

      George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.


      George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"


      The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.


      George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Aren't you Moses?"


      The man continued to peruse the ceiling.


      George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "Aren't you Moses?"


      The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."


      George W. asked him why he was so uppity, and the man replied, "The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert."


    11. #9
      Senior Member 2k2S80t6's Avatar
      Join Date
      Dec 2004
      Location
      Center of Democracy
      Posts
      11,515
      I just returned from a business trip, so these really amused me:

      Ways to amuse yourself during a business trip

      On the plane:

      1. Carry a toilet aboard the plane. Tell the flight crew that you have to
      carry it aboard with you. Offer to sit on it during the flight.

      2. Select a flight attendant. Every time she walks by, make a face as
      though something smells really bad.

      3. Ring your call button. When the flight attendant responds, speak in
      gibberish. Become more agitated and animated as she becomes more
      frustrated in her attempts to understand you.

      4. When the captain announces "if there's anything we can do to make your
      flight more comfortable...." ring and ask that the row of seats in front
      of you be removed.

      5. After the safety presentation, when they tell you that your flight
      attendant will be coming by to answer any questions you might have, take
      them up on the offer. Ask questions that no one can answer, like what you
      say to God when He sneezes. Even better, act as though you have a short
      attention span and ask them to repeat parts of it.

      6. Ask if you can put on your oxygen mask now, just in case.

      7. Take the airline magazine and provide your own captions for the
      pictures and add your own footnotes to the articles. Be as creative and
      vulgar as possible. At the end of the flight, leave the magazine on board
      for the next person.

      8. If you're seated in the exit row on a crowded airplane, as you're
      taxiing out to the runway, ring your call button and tell the flight
      attendant that you have an indiscernable condition that would prevent you
      from performing the activities listed on the safety card, and would like to
      be reseated.

      (WARNING: Don't do this on New York-bound flights).

      9. If you are sitting next to a particularly chatty person, the following
      are good ways to shut them up:

      * pull out a pornographic magazine and make graphic comments about the
      models.
      * as soon as it is practical, take out a notebook and pen and begin to
      write obscenities and satanic slogans and draw pentagrams and other
      satanic objects. This is especially effective if you use a very smelly
      magic marker.
      * fall asleep with your head on their shoulder.
      * assume the lotus position and begin to chant.

      ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
      At the hotel:

      1. Take the pens out of the room and replace them with pens from another
      hotel chain.

      2. If you are placed in a room where there are two beds, and one of the
      bed has been turned down, stack all of your luggage and dirty clothes on
      that bed and sleep in the other. If there's only one bed, make it look as
      if you've slept on the foldaway bed, sofa, chair or on the floor.

      3. Leave your "do not disturb" sign on the room all the time, even when
      you've gone out for the day.

      4. Write notes to the maid in soap on the mirror in the bathroom.
      ----------------------------------------------------------------------------
      At the restaurant:

      1. If the hostess asks you "smoking or non-smoking?" tell her you don't
      care. If she insists, ask for one of each.

      2. Bring your own food.

      3. At some point during the meal, ask your server for another knife. Tell
      them "this one's so dull, you couldn't cut a fart with it."

      4. Move the things on the table around as if they were chess pieces. If
      the server tries to take something off the table, slap their hand and tell
      them "THAT'S IN PLAY!"

      5. If the restaurant in your hotel is particularly fancy, come down to
      dinner in your jeans and t-shirt. If they tell you that the restaurant
      requires a coat and tie, go back to your room and return wearing a jacket,
      tie and boxer shorts.



    12. #10
      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Aug 2005
      Posts
      700

      Re: Joke forum v. 2.64 (universityvolvoOSD)

      Quote, originally posted by universityvolvoOSD »

      Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
      Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom

      Since I am a UPS guy, I find this very amusing. I may be telling this joke this week to my customers. thanks.


    13. #11
      Global Phuz
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      SE PA
      Posts
      14,741
      my brother in law drives for UPS...i think i will send that one to him
      Matt
      2005 Volvo XC90 V8
      2006 Volvo S60R - 6MT
      2012 Volvo XC60 T6 R-Design
      1991 Volvo 940 - 2JZGTE, 600rwhp

    14. #12
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: (phuz)

      Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom

      I guess I could have said the "Fedex" guy or the "yardman" ....but UPS sounded like a good punchline!

      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    15. #13
      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Aug 2005
      Posts
      700
      Did you hear that FedEx and UPS are merging?

      It will be called FedUp.


    16. #14
      Member Steely's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jun 2004
      Location
      SoCal
      Posts
      4,797

      Just Jokes


      TO BE 6 AGAIN

      A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
      observing his wife turning back and forth,
      looking at herself in the mirror.

      Since her birthday was not far off,
      he asked what she'd like to have for
      her Birthday.

      I'd like to be six again, she replied,
      still looking in the mirror.

      On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
      made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
      and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
      What a day!

      He put her on every ride in the park; the Death
      Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster
      Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours
      Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her
      head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

      He then took her to a McDonald's where he
      ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries
      and a chocolate shake.

      Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
      and her favorite candy, M&M's.
      What a fabulous adventure!
      Finally she wobbled home with her
      husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

      He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
      lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ??

      Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

      I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass !!

      The moral of the story: Even when a man is
      listening, he is going to get it wrong.


    17. #15
      Senior Member 2k2S80t6's Avatar
      Join Date
      Dec 2004
      Location
      Center of Democracy
      Posts
      11,515

      Sunday Sex

      Sunday Sex

      I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

      Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
      Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
      grandmother and comfort her.

      When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
      He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.

      "Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old
      having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

      "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
      advanced age,we figured the best time to do it was when the church
      bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
      and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
      Dong." She paused to wipe."away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be
      alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
      __________________


    18. #16
      Member Bender's Avatar
      Join Date
      Mar 2006
      Location
      PA
      Posts
      8,956
      BRILLIANT
      Gone and Missed: 2002 S60 T5 Manual, 1993 240 Classic
      Gone and Not Missed: 2001 S60 2.4t Auto

      www.datforumdoe.com

    19. #17
      Member
      Join Date
      Sep 2003
      Posts
      3,521

      Some old, Some new

      Some old, Some new

      One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

      So he tied her up and went golfing.

      ***********************************************

      A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!"

      The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

      "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

      ***********************************************

      Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

      ***********************************************

      Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
      tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

      "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

      ************************************************

      A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

      The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

      The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like, when I'm driving..."


      **************************************************

      Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the

      Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

      On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.

      On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.


    20. #18
      Member
      Join Date
      Sep 2003
      Posts
      3,521

      Kinds of sex

      Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

      The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens
      when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in
      the face.

      The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have
      been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will
      have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

      The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have
      been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
      you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

      The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. That's when you have
      been with your partner for much too long. You pass each other in the
      hallway and say "screw you."

      The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get
      Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

      The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand
      each other anymore. Your wife takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

      And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social
      Security Sex
      . You get a little each month. But not enough to live on.


    21. #19
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: Kinds of sex (JRinPR)

      A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises,
      two black eyes, and a five-iron
      wrapped tightly around his throat.

      Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
      Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
      difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to
      look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows
      had something white at its rear end."

      I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
      with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's
      butt."

      "Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this
      looks like yours!"

      I don't remember much after that..."


      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    22. #20
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: Kinds of sex (universityvolvoOSD)

      It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

      As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

      He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

      "Heavens no, we bought it."

      "Then why don't you drive it away."

      "We can't drive."

      "Then why did you buy it?"

      "We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.


      --------------------------------------------------------------------------------


      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    23. #21
      Member Steely's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jun 2004
      Location
      SoCal
      Posts
      4,797

      Re: Kinds of sex (universityvolvoOSD)

      Three women were sitting nude in a sauna, one German, one Japanese and an All-American hillbilly. The German woman's wrist began to buzz. "I have a pager implant", she explained and left to make a call. Just as she returned the Japanese woman's wrist began to make a warbling noise. "I have a cell phone implant" she explained and took her call, holding her bare hand up to talk. The hillbilly woman had been trying to think of a way to keep up with her two technologically-advanced friends. "Excuse me a minute" she said, running out. When she returned, her two friends noticed a streamer of toilet paper coming out of her behind. As they called her attention to it she exclaimed, "Oh, I must be getting a fax!"

    24. #22
      Member
      Join Date
      Sep 2003
      Posts
      3,521

      LIVING WILL

      LIVING WILL


      Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room, and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent upon some machine and fluids from a bottle…if that ever happens, just pull the plug."

      So she got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out my beer.

      Bitch . .


    25. #23
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: LIVING WILL (JRinPR)

      Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
      The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

      The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers, "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish."



      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    26. #24
      Member
      Join Date
      Sep 2003
      Posts
      3,521

      Wrong Answer

      Wrong Answer

      A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

      He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "Sorry, do you know me?"

      She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I think you might be the father of one of my children!"

      His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Holy cow!" he says "Are you that stripper on my stag night that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my buddies while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and jammed a cucumber up my butt?"

      "Umm, no…", she replied rather coldly, "I'm your son's English teacher......"


    27. #25
      Senior Member
      Join Date
      Aug 2005
      Posts
      700
      A black guy walks in to a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
      Bartender says, "Hey that's pretty neat, where did you get that?"
      The parrot replies, "Africa, they have millions of them there."

    28. #26
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: (Cementups)

      How many men does it take to open a beer?
      None. It should be opened when she brings it.

      ------------------------------------------------------------------
      Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a
      woman?
      Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

      -----------------------------------------------------------------
      Why do women have smaller feet than men?
      It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
      them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

      -----------------------------------------------------------------
      How do you know when a woman is about to say
      something smart?
      When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

      -------------------------------------------------------------------
      How do you fix a woman's watch?
      You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

      -------------------------------------------------------------------
      Why do men fart more than women?
      Because women can't shut up long enough to
      build up the required pressure.

      -------------------------------------------------------------------
      If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is
      yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
      The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

      -------------------------------------------------------------------
      What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
      A woman who won't do what she's told.

      -------------------------------------------------------------------
      I married a Miss Right.
      I just didn't know her first name was Always.

      -------------------------------------------------------------------
      Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
      a woman's sex drive by 90%.
      It's called a Wedding Cake.

      -------------------------------------------------------------------
      Why do men die before their wives?
      They want to.

      -------------------------------------------------------------------
      Women will never be equal to men until they can
      walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
      gut, and still think they are sexy.

      -------------------------------------------------------------------
      In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
      Then God created Man and rested.
      Then God created Woman.
      Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

      -------------------------------------------------------------------
      Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
      to the select few women who know this is all BS
      anyway !


      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    29. #27
      Member pie_ya's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Colorado Springs, CO
      Posts
      1,565

      Re: (universityvolvoOSD)

      Bob...you are bad...really bad!! lol

    30. #28
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: (pie_ya)

      Bob...you are bad...really bad!! lol
      Yea...that's what my wife sys too ....but somehow I get a different meaning from her!
      BTW...she thoght the jokes were hilarious!
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    31. #29
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: (universityvolvoOSD)

      Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless." With that, she stripped to the waist, rolled the dice and yelled,

      "Come on, baby, Southern Girl needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed...

      "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

      She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings .......... and her clothes, and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know... I thought you were watching."

      Moral -

      Not all Southerners are stupid. Not all blondes are dumb, but all men..... are men.

      Have a Wonderful Day!

      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    32. #30
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: (universityvolvoOSD)

      A cowboy was herding his cows in a remote
      pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust
      cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci
      shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and
      asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves
      you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
      The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at
      his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers,
      "Sure, Why not?"
      The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
      connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA
      page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation
      system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
      another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution
      photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe PhotoShop
      and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
      Within seconds, he receives an email on his Blackberry that the
      image has been processed and the data stored.
      He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
      spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes,
      receives a response.
      Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech,
      miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
      says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
      "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the
      cowboy.
      He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
      amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
      Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
      what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
      The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
      "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government," says the cowboy.
      "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
      "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here
      even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I
      already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how
      much smarter than me you are, and you don't know a thing about cows...
      ...Now give me back my dog."
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    33. #31
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: (universityvolvoOSD)

      Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A
      blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing.

      "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we
      don't have a ladder."

      The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid The
      pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a Measurement
      &
      announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

      Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We
      ask for the height, and she gives us the length.

      Bubba and Junior are currently supervising the reconstruction of New
      Orleans

      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    34. #32
      Member
      Join Date
      Sep 2003
      Posts
      3,521

      Re: (universityvolvoOSD)

      ROFL!

    35. #33
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: (JRinPR)

      Get R Done!!
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    36. #34
      Member
      Join Date
      Sep 2003
      Posts
      3,521

      Re: (universityvolvoOSD)

      Quote, originally posted by universityvolvoOSD »
      Get R Done!!

      I'm beginning to suspect you did work with Bunky!

      Anyhow, back to Bubba & Junior:

      Bubba and Junior walk into a bar and grill. While downing some chicken-fried steaks, they talk about their moonshine operation.

      Suddenly, a woman at an adjacent table who's eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. Bubba looks at her and asks, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

      Bubba then gets up and runs over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
      dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her butt crack a swift lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she violently spasms and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, Bubba walks slowly back to his booth. Junior then says to him, "Ya know, I'd done heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never saw nobody do it 'fore!"


    37. #35
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
      Join Date
      Jan 2005
      Location
      Charlotte NC
      Posts
      12,048

      Re: (JRinPR)

      I'm beginning to suspect you did work with Bunky!


      Not a chance!!

      Subject: SVEN AND OLE AT THE BEACH


      Ole and Sven were having a holiday at the beach in Australia on vacation,
      but they couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So they asked
      the local lifeguard for some advice."Mate, it's obvious," says the
      lifeguard.
      "You're wearing them old, baggy Minnesota-style swimming trunks that make
      ya look like an old geezer!They're years outta style. Your best bet is to
      grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small - and drop a
      fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya ... you'll have all the
      babes ya want!" The following day, they hit the beach with their spanking
      new tight Speedos and their fist-sized potatoes. Everybody on the beach
      was disgusted as they walked by, covering their faces, turning away,
      laughing...looking sick! So they went back to the lifeguard again and Sven
      asked him "Vat's wrong now? We still aren't picking up babes."

      "Idiots!" said the lifeguard. "The potato goes in front!"


      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    38. Remove Advertisements

      Advertisements
       

    Page 1 of 44 1 2 3 4 5 11 ... LastLast