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    1. #36
      Member 1sttimevolvo's Avatar
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      One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
      "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.
      "Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."
      The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. How much does he send you?"
      The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
      The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"
      "He is a veterinarian," she answered.
      "That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?"
      The old lady said proudly,
      "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno."

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    3. #37
      Senior Member 2k2S80t6's Avatar
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      Re:

      Harvey (72) died and never saw it coming... his wife was standing nude in front of the mirror and said," My boobs hang down to my waist, my legs look like popped balloons and my butt's doing an impression of a deflated Hindenburg... Harvey, please tell me one thing about my body that's still OK so I can feel better about myself." Harvey examined her closely and said,"Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

    4. #38
      Senior Member 2k2S80t6's Avatar
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      Warning

      Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. While that was an "urban legend," this is not. This is happening to women every day. I'm sending this "warning" only to a few of my closest friends. You too may have been a victim -- read on...

      My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new one's had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spent the rest of the summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

      Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next! I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

      Two years ago I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts too.

      What could they do to me next? Age? Age had nothing to do with it! Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. That's why I've decided to share my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

      Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs...and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

      This is NOT a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night. Warn your friends.


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    6. #39
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      Re: Warning (2k2S80t6)


      A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives.
      The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped.
      They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

      The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"
      The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno.
      I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
      While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

      The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father
      watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.
      They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

      The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son,
      "Boy..................go git cha Momma...............

      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    7. #40
      Member 1sttimevolvo's Avatar
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      A bumpkin truck driver staying in the city for the first time while driving cross-country catches sight of a massage parlor walking back to his motel room after dinner.
      He'd always been curious about such places but had never had the opportunity to venture into one.
      His curiosity gets the best of him and he goes in. He pays the lady, who then proceeds to escort him back to a room. She tells him a masseuse will be with him shortly and to go ahead and disrobe.
      Soon a beautiful asian brunette enters the room and begins massaging his aching body.
      As the session is drawing near, she leans over and whispers in his ear,
      "I work on tips".
      He responded,
      "Fer thuh money ah'ma payin' I'd expect ya tah work on the whole thang!"


    8. #41
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      Special Birthday this week!

      A very special Birthday this week...can you believe it? Monica Lewinsky turned 31!

      It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees............

      They grow up so fast!


    9. #42
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      Reasonable woman

      Married 39 years, took a look at my wife one day and said to her, "Honey, 39 years go, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 19 year old brunette. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 58 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

      My wife is a very reasonable woman.

      She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed....

    10. #43
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      Re: Special Birthday this week! (JRinPR)

      They grow up so fast!

      ROFL!!!!!

      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    11. #44
      so this fish swims into a wall... the fish says "damn!"


    12. #45
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      Re: (Dygitalpmp)

      Emmm...I reckon dat dere word is supposed to be "dam"...

    13. #46

    14. #47
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      Re: (JRinPR)

      Whatever "happy pills" he is taking? ....they are working!!
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    15. #48
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      Re: (Dygitalpmp)

      So there are two fish in a tank.....................................

      one fish looks to the other and says " uhhhh you know how to drive this thing?"


    16. #49
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      Re: (Ognar)

      As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

      ** Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

      ** Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

      ** The difference between the Pope and your boss ... the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

      ** My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

      ** The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

      ** I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

      ** It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too

      ** A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

      ** My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

      ** A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

      ** I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

      ** My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, " Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

      ** Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.





      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    17. #50
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      Re: (universityvolvoOSD)

      Quote, originally posted by universityvolvoOSD »
      As You Slide Down The Banister Of Life, Remember.........

      As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.


    18. #51
      Member Copeland's Avatar
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      Quote, originally posted by Bob »
      Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

      I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like
      putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

      ha ha

      Annoying other members since 4.12.06

    19. #52
      Member Our R's Avatar
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      Re: (Copeland)

      A young man married a beautiful woman who had
      previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding
      night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle,
      I'm still a virgin". "What?" Said the puzzled groom.
      "How can that be if you've been married ten times?

      "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept
      telling me how great it's going to be.

      Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never
      really sure how it was supposed to function, but he
      said he'd look into it and get back to me.

      Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything
      checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get
      the system up.

      Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew
      he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able
      to deliver

      Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic
      process but wanted three years to research, implement,
      and design a new state-of-the-art method.

      Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he
      thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was
      his job or not.

      Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a
      product, he was never sure how to position it.

      Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was
      talk about it.

      Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

      Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did
      was.. . God I miss him!

      But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

      "Good," said the husband, "but, why?"

      "You're a Tax Man.... This time I KNOW I'm gonna get screwed!"

      Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to slide in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "Holy ****, what a ride!"

      Presently taking a ride thru the Black Forest.

    20. #53
      Member Copeland's Avatar
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      Quote, originally posted by Our R »
      Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did
      was.. . God I miss him!

      haha all of these are great

      Annoying other members since 4.12.06

    21. #54
      Global Phuz
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      HER DIARY

      Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a
      bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends
      all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit
      late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing
      so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed
      but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was
      wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was
      upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
      On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
      driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know
      why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had
      lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.
      He just sat there and watched T. V. He seemed distant and absent.
      Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed,
      and to my surprise he responded to my caress
      and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his
      thoughts were somewhere else.
      He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that
      his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

      HIS DIARY:

      I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid!

      Matt
      2005 Volvo XC90 V8
      2006 Volvo S60R - 6MT
      2012 Volvo XC60 T6 R-Design
      1991 Volvo 940 - 2JZGTE, 600rwhp

    22. #55
      Global Phuz
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      Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Swiss Alps, are a
      French guy, an American guy, an old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss
      girl.

      The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the
      sound of a loud slap.

      When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Frenchman has a bright red
      hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

      The old lady thinks: The Frenchman must have groped the blonde in the
      dark, and she slapped his cheek.

      The blonde thinks: That Frenchman must have tried to grope me in the
      dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

      The Frenchman thinks: The American must have groped the blonde in the
      dark.
      She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

      The American thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack the
      poop out of that Frenchman again.

      Matt
      2005 Volvo XC90 V8
      2006 Volvo S60R - 6MT
      2012 Volvo XC60 T6 R-Design
      1991 Volvo 940 - 2JZGTE, 600rwhp

    23. #56
      Global Phuz
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      Grandma Doesn't Know Everything

      Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
      He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when
      he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that
      called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one
      is on top of the other?"

      She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the
      truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

      Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk
      and play with the other kids.

      A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
      "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called
      Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

      Matt
      2005 Volvo XC90 V8
      2006 Volvo S60R - 6MT
      2012 Volvo XC60 T6 R-Design
      1991 Volvo 940 - 2JZGTE, 600rwhp

    24. #57
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      Re: (phuz)

      Phuz....

      You are on a roll! Here's one for you!


      A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner."

      "Good morning, " said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

      "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

      Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

      The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    25. #58
      Senior Member 2k2S80t6's Avatar
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      Re: (universityvolvoOSD)

      Glad I already ate my lunch

    26. #59
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      Re: (2k2S80t6)

      Sounds like a load of crap to me!!!!!
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    27. #60
      Senior Member 2k2S80t6's Avatar
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      Political/Religious Humor

      A True Story...
      When Golda Meir held the office of Prime Minister, she tried to encourage Henry Kissinger to make Israel a top priority.

      He sent her a letter: "I would like to inform you that....
      I'm first an American citizen, second Secretary of State and third a Jew."

      She responded: "In Israel we read from right to left"


    28. #61
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      Re: Political/Religious Humor (2k2S80t6)

      oooyeeveee!
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    29. #62
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      Re: Political/Religious Humor (universityvolvoOSD)

      I heard that Bob appreciates art, so...


    30. #63
      Senior Member 2k2S80t6's Avatar
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      Re: Political/Religious Humor (JRinPR)

      I guess that is work safe, but not mental memory safe

      Thanks for the recurring mental image.


    31. #64
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      Re: Political/Religious Humor (2k2S80t6)

      Quote, originally posted by 2k2S80t6 »
      I guess that is work safe, but not mental memory safe

      Thanks for the recurring mental image.

      Awright, awright...here, I'll make it up to ya:


    32. #65
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      Re: Political/Religious Humor (JRinPR)

      JR....................

      ROFL You are "on fire" man!

      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    33. #66
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      Re: Political/Religious Humor (universityvolvoOSD)

      From:

      BLONDE COOKBOOK!


      MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Jerry. Today I made angel
      food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The
      neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

      TUESDAY: Jerry wanted fruit salad for supper.
      The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.
      What a surprise when Jerry brought a friend home for
      supper.

      WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash
      thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of
      silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved
      ! the rice any.

      THURSDAY: Today Jerry asked for salad again. I tried a
      new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, lay on a bed of
      lettuce one hour before serving. Jerry asked me why I
      was rolling around in the garden.

      FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies.
      It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
      There must have been something wrong with this recipe.
      When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

      SATURDAY: Jerry did the shopping today and brought
      home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday
      (oh boy).For some reason, Jerry keeps counting to ten.

      SUNDAY: Jerry's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
      roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash
      of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the
      controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to
      my disappointment.

      GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting
      week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a
      new recipe on Jerry. If I can talk Jerry into buying a bigger
      oven, I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    34. #67
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      Re: Political/Religious Humor (universityvolvoOSD)

      Living Will Form


      I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not
      wish to
      be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
      Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead
      politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
      depended on it. Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are
      interested simply in running up the bills.

      If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least
      one of the following:

      Chimay or Arcobrau,
      Bloody Mary,
      Margarita,
      Mojito,
      Amaretto,
      Absolut' and Tonic,
      steak,
      lobster, shrimp or crab legs,
      the remote control,
      bowl of ice cream,
      the business pages,
      a novel,
      chocolate,
      ...it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

      When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed
      person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes
      and call it aday
      At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to
      come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to
      raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.


      Signature: ___________________________

      Date: ___________________________

      I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The
      patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.


      __________________________________________________ ________

      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    35. #68
      Senior Member 2k2S80t6's Avatar
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      Re: Political/Religious Humor (universityvolvoOSD)

      Quote, originally posted by universityvolvoOSD »
      ... one of the following:

      Chimay or Arcobrau,
      Bloody Mary,
      Margarita,
      Mojito,
      Amaretto,
      Absolut' and Tonic,
      steak,
      lobster, shrimp or crab legs,
      the remote control,
      bowl of ice cream,
      the business pages,
      a novel,
      chocolate..

      What about sexual favors? If you're not asking for that......unplug the machine.


    36. #69
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      Re: Political/Religious Humor (2k2S80t6)

      I never have to ask....... (gotcha! )
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    37. #70
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      Re: Political/Religious Humor (universityvolvoOSD)

      Quote, originally posted by universityvolvoOSD »
      I never have to ask....... (gotcha! )
      Probably because you have to beg instead...

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