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    1. #1506
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      In church I heard a sweet elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.

      It was so innocent and sincere that I just have to share it with you:

      "Dear Lord, This has been a tough four to five years. You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze. My favorite musician Michael Jackson. My favorite Blues Singer Amy Winehouse. My favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor. My favorite singer Whitney Houston. And now my favorite author Tom Clancy!

      I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and Harry Reid.

      Amen."
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

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    3. #1507
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      True.
      '88 244 auto (parts car), '89 244 5 spd. (daily driver), '92 245 5 spd. (my car) '80 Holiday Rambler/Ford E350 (tow vehicle and track crash pad), '95 GMC K2500 (local hauler/back-up tow vehicle), '83 Mazda RX7 (race car when I have the funds), '99 Miska 20' car hauler.

      The man's prayer: "I'm a man, but I can change, ... if I have to, ... I guess."

    4. #1508
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      From my Maniag email.

      George Dill
      -----------------------------------------------------------
      A guy walked into this crowded local bar waving his 1911 Colt 45 with an 8 shot clip yelling, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

      A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You're gonna need more ammo!"
      -----------------------------------------------------------

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    6. #1509
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.

      After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

      When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
      Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.

      The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

      Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
      The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

      And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    7. #1510
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      Old dumb joke - just the punch line...

      "...gee, thanks mister, I'll keep an eye out for you".

      George Dill

    8. #1511
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      From the Brickboard...

      ------------------------------------------
      Art Benstein near Baltimore

      Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

      -------------------------------------------

      George Dill

    9. #1512
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal "TSA Pat Down."

      They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically,

      I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.

      He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right.

      The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

      Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:

      "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

      There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

      "Are you kidding me?" he barked,

      "I dropped you off!"

      Now it was my turn to be silent.

      Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

      He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your car!"

      Welcome to the golden years ...
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    10. #1513
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      THE
      IRISH PROSTITUTE

      An Irish
      daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
      Upon her return,
      her father cursed her heavily.
      Where have ye
      been all this time, child?
      Why did ye not
      write to us, not even a line?
      Why didn't ye
      call?
      Can ye not
      understand what ye put yer old Mother
      thru?'

      The girl,
      crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a
      prostitute.'

      'Ye
      what!!?
      Get outta here,
      ye shameless harlot! Sinner!


      You're a
      disgrace to this Catholic
      family.

      'OK, Dad... As
      ye wish.

      I just came
      back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom
      mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.
      For me little
      brother, this gold Rolex.
      And for ye,
      Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's
      parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a
      breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve
      on board my new yacht
      in the Riviera .'



      'Now what
      was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.



      Girl, crying
      again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff,
      sniff.'



      'Oh! Be
      Jesus!
      Ye scared me
      half to death, girl!
      I thought ye said
      a Protestant.
      Come here and
      give yer old Dad a hug!!!'
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    11. #1514
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      A married couple was in a terrible accident.....
      A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
      Man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the
      Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
      Because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate
      Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
      That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
      from her buttocks.
      Owing to the sensitive nature of the situation...they all agreed that they
      would tell no one about where the skin came from.
      After the surgery.....
      everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
      He looked more handsome than ever ! All his
      Friends and relatives raved about his youthful
      appearance...especially his mother!
      One day, while alone with his wife, and
      overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, 'Dear,
      I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
      How can I possibly repay you?'
      'My darling,' she replied,
      'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother
      kiss you on the cheek.'
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    12. #1515
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      LOL
      '88 244 auto (parts car), '89 244 5 spd. (daily driver), '92 245 5 spd. (my car) '80 Holiday Rambler/Ford E350 (tow vehicle and track crash pad), '95 GMC K2500 (local hauler/back-up tow vehicle), '83 Mazda RX7 (race car when I have the funds), '99 Miska 20' car hauler.

      The man's prayer: "I'm a man, but I can change, ... if I have to, ... I guess."

    13. #1516
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.
      I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
      I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

      Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy,
      but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

      The bull started to service the cows within two days... all my cows! He even broke through
      the fence to service all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!

      I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    14. #1517
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      A very rich and generous Spaniard kept his fortune in gold loaded up in huge trucks.

      When the civil war broke out he and the trucks headed up the mountains to his hideout retreat.

      Enroute a massive earthquake struck and blocked the roads with wide and deep and impassable crevices.

      Rather than let the rebels capture all the gold the Spaniard dumped everything into the crevices.

      At his funeral he was praised for all his positive attributes but many said that he was generous to a fault.

      George Dill

    15. #1518
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      Why was Pinocchio so happy to become a real boy?





      After years of wood, he could finally put it to use.

    16. #1519
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      From: http://richardwiseman.files.wordpres...nal-report.pdf
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------
      Texan: “Where are you from?”
      Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with
      prepositions.”
      Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”
      ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      George Dill

    17. #1520
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      So this gorgeous blonds is cruising in her red C70. She is doing @ 85mph and gets pulled by a female police officer, who is also a blonde.
      The blonde officer asks to see the blonde drivers registration and licence. So the driver starts digging around in her purse to find her licence.
      As she digs around she gets progressively more aggravated. She finally asks the officer "What does it look like?"
      The officer replies as she rolls her eyes, "It is a small rectangle and has your picture on it".
      The driver finally finds a small rectangle mirror, looks at it and says "here it is".
      The blonde cop looks at and says" You can go, I didn't realize you were a cop"
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    18. #1521
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

      On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

      On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

      Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

      He replies: " Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    19. #1522
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      Quote Originally Posted by universityvolvoOSD View Post
      I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

      On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.

      On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

      Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

      He replies: " Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
      This is no joke!

      As an altar boy at St. Peter catholic church in Roswell, NM, in 1948, I had free-reign of the place while prepping for early low mass. My instructions were to clean up the "victim" side of the three confessionals (lots of sinners in Roswell?) but I peeked in at the listening parlor - overstuffed chair, footstool, small table with wine bottle and glass, cloth napkins, wastebasket, spittoon...

      George Dill

    20. #1523
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      Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
      (Now I know why they record these conversations!):



      Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
      Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
      Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
      Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
      Operator: "Went away?"
      Caller: "They disappeared."
      Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
      Caller: "Nothing."
      Operator: "Nothing??"
      Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
      Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
      Caller: "How do I tell?"
      Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
      Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
      Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
      Caller: "There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
      Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
      Caller: "What's a monitor?"
      Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
      Caller: "I don't know."
      Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
      Caller: "Yes, I think so."
      Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
      Caller: "Yes, it is."
      Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
      Caller: "No."
      Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
      Caller: "Okay, here it is."
      Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
      Caller: "I can't reach."
      Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
      Caller: "No."
      Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
      Caller: "Well, it' s not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
      Operator: "Dark??"
      Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
      Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
      Caller: "I can't."
      Operator: "No? Why not??"
      Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
      Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
      Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
      Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
      Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
      Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is."
      Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
      Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    21. #1524
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      Why aren't Junior League women into group sex?

















      Too many thank-you notes to write when it's over.

    22. #1525
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      A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

      A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

      However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!
      ā€œI got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
      Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
      "ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,"¯ said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
      Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    23. #1526
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

      IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

      BOAT OWNER: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand. He's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

      IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

      BOAT OWNER: "That would be me. What would you like to know"?
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    24. #1527
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      SO A PIRATE WALKED INTO A BAR... And the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."



      The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."



      "And what about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them **** in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You can't lose an eye just from bird ****"



      "It was my first day with the hook..

      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    25. #1528
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      A group of women were at a seminar on how to live
      in a loving relationship with their husband.
      The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

      All the women raised their hands.

      Then they were asked, "When was the last time you
      told your husband you loved him?"

      Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

      The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:

      "I love you, sweetheart."

      Then, the women were then told to exchange phones
      with another person, and to read aloud the text
      message they received, in response.

      Here are some of the replies:

      I think some are hilarious...if you have been
      married for quite a while, a sign of true love...
      Like who else would you reply to in such a succinct and honest way.


      1. Who the hell is this?
      2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
      3. Yeh, and I love you too. What's up with you??
      4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
      5. I don't understand what you mean?
      6. What the f*ck did you do now?
      8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
      9. Am I dreaming?
      10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
      11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
      12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she??
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    26. #1529
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      WOMEN'S REVENGE

      'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished

      to purchase.As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a

      television set in her purse.

      'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

      'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

      and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    27. #1530
      Forum Sponsor universityvolvoOSD's Avatar
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      Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.



      Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.



      The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall.



      He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.



      Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.



      The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"



      Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."



      "Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.



      "Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."



      The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."



      Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."



      "Was it a long time ago?"



      "Yes, many years."



      The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
      Bob Kennedy
      University Volvo OSD Mgr
      Charlotte NC
      VOLVO FOR LIFE
      http://www.universityvolvo.com/volvo...as-program.htm

    28. #1531
      Junior Member Convently's Avatar
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      SIMPLE TRUTH 1

      Lovers help each other undress before sex.
      However after sex, they always dress on their own.

      Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

      SIMPLE TRUTH 2

      When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
      But, none of them touch the man's p enis and say, "Good job".

      Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

      FIVE Other Simple Truths

      1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

      2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass hole's name.

      3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

      4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

      5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.

      Bonus Truth:

      Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
      A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

    29. #1532
      Junior Member Convently's Avatar
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      Sex On Mars

      The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
      enough Frequent Flier miles.

      They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

      Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers,
      how they make money, etc.

      Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

      'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

      The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

      A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for
      the night and experience one another... Maureen and the male Martian go off
      to a bedroom where the Martian strips.. He's got only a teeny,weenie member
      about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

      'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen..

      'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

      'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

      'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
      With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite
      impressively long.

      'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

      'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
      member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
      exciting to the woman.

      'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

      The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their
      separate ways.

      As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

      'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

      'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache ... She kept
      slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

    30. #1533

    31. #1534
      Member Our R's Avatar
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      One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT?!" So she says the words that I and every other husband on the planet dreads. She explains that I'm not in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realized nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

      The next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three. She then tells me she needs matching shoes worth $200 each to which I say, "OK."

      And then we go to the Jewelry department, where she gets a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you - she was so excited! She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her it was OK.

      She was sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register." I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."

      You should have seen her face - it went completely blank. Then I said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Just when she had a look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
      Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to slide in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "Holy ****, what a ride!"

      Presently taking a ride thru the Black Forest.

    32. #1535
      Member Our R's Avatar
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      Little Johnny

      The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

      Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

      The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

      Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

      Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

      She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

      Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

      The teacher sat down and cried.
      Life's journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to slide in sideways, totally worn out, shouting "Holy ****, what a ride!"

      Presently taking a ride thru the Black Forest.

    33. #1536
      Junior Member
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      centre square, PA, USA
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      If you take all the bones of a snake and line them up end to end


      ... you'll get a snake.

    34. #1537
      Member GregK's Avatar
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      Quote Originally Posted by Our R View Post
      The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

      Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

      The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

      Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.' The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

      Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

      She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

      Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

      The teacher sat down and cried.
      Funny.......
      2012 S60 T5 (OSD 4/2012) Ember Black/Offblack l Premium,Multimedia,Climate,Dynamic l BLIS/PCC/ABL/F&R Park Assist/Sport Pedals/Chrome Endpipes

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    35. #1538
      Member 95WanderWagen's Avatar
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      Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road?

      He got stuck in a crack...

      What did the Rasta say to the pirate?

      E'ryting arrr-rie

      What kind of hair do they sell at Ihop?

      Eggstensions
      Last edited by 95WanderWagen; 07-30-2017 at 08:26 PM.
      Help fund a trip across the country for a volunteer position working with rescued wolves and wolfdogs!

      https://www.gofundme.com/Ptsd-therap..._co_campmgmt_m



      Want brighter, whiter interior lights in your Volvo? PM me for details or email me at [email protected]. Full kits in stock for p80 platform cars


      Ghosts of the past
      3x AMC XJ (84 Cherokee 2.5l, 86 wagoneer 2.8l, 87 Cherokee sport 2.8l 5 sp) || 4x Subaru (96 legacy outback, 97 legacy gt wagon, 92 svx 4.44 auto swap, 88 DL coupe) || 2x Pontiac (88 Fiero 2.5l notchie, 96 grand Prix GT 2.4L) || 3x DSM (92 eclipse GS 4g63 n/a, 99 eclipse gs 420a n/a, 3000gt vr4 sport roof) || 2x Hyunda (96 Elantra 4g63 coupe, 2000 Elantra 4g63 wagon) || 1x Geo storm || 1x VW [93 Fox) || 1x Ford(93 Escort LX 1.9l) || 1x Chevy(2000 venture extended) || 3x Volvo (96 855 2.4l, 95 855 2.3t, 04 xc70 2.5t) || 1x Mazda (2003 Protege5 5sp)

    36. #1539
      Member GregK's Avatar
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      Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the
      same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be
      admitted to Heaven

      The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in
      Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

      The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she
      should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at
      these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure
      it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

      The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the
      same question.

      The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it
      without saying a word.

      The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

      Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you
      two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply
      flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain
      that to me?”

      "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush
      beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
      2012 S60 T5 (OSD 4/2012) Ember Black/Offblack l Premium,Multimedia,Climate,Dynamic l BLIS/PCC/ABL/F&R Park Assist/Sport Pedals/Chrome Endpipes

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