This thread is hilarious though I hope it is cathartic for OP.
Please sell your car and get something you like. I can't imagine ever buying a car for my wife as a "surprise", lol. That's a really expensive mistake if it goes wrong.
To your point about seeing over the hood my wife had the same issue with our XC60 and so we test drove pretty much every small-ish SUV to find one that she felt comfortable in and got that for her - a Honda CRV.
Happy wife, happy life.